I’m Not Sure I’m Supposed to Understand

We’re home from Parris Island.
Our second farm boy graduated from Marine Boot Camp.

He is living our Oldest Farm Boy’s dream.
You see our two boys were so different.
Each with a heart to serve; just in different ways.
And there’s just so much I don’t understand.
I’m not sure I’m supposed to understand.

Why does a handsome, hard working red head hit a telephone pole in the middle of the night and never come home?
Why did his hopes and dreams to serve our country die with him?
I’m not sure I’m supposed to understand.

Why would the youngest farm boy start his own career and suddenly decide to live out his brothers dream?

What is it to serve this country that rises so strong?
I’m not sure I’m supposed to understand.

I am learning to ask God to teach me how to be the parent I need to be.
How can I live so that God is glorified?
In the pain: in the joy.

Each step we take is not about us.
It is about surrender.
Giving over all to the One who knows.
Trusting in a plan grander than we could ever ask or imagine.

This journey isn’t about the struggle.
It’s about who we look to in the midst of the struggle.

This is a process.
A journey.
3 months of the farm boy at boot camp brought me to my knees.
You see, our first born son left this earth at 17.
There was no communication.
Silence.
This journey felt like that too.
No communication.
Silence.
And my heart hurt.
I dug deep into all that I knew.
I sat in the quiet of this old farmhouse and wept.
Wept for years that will never be.
I wept for the life of the farm boy.
For his commitment to God and Country.
A commitment that needed to be fulfilled.
A calling.

Our children are God’s.
He is working His plan in and through them.
Even if I can’t see it.
Even when I long for a different story; he’s there.

Somewhere in the 3 months, I accepted that.
I leaned into God working in my children’s life.
My prayers shifted to help me be the parent I need to be.
God has equipped us.
He chose us to be the parents for our children.
He will equip us.
We need to be still.
I am learning to quiet the raging fears; to rest in the journey.

My farm boy is home for 2 more days.
There is still a hint of his mischievousness, yet he is more settled.
God has done more than I could have ever asked or imagined.

He will leave again.
My heart is still not ready.
I long for the days of small children and giggles and tubbies.
I long for the days of story time and boo boo’s.

Yet, isn’t this what we long for as parents?
Waiting for the moments when they fly.
Rejoicing in their successes.
Aching with them in their struggles.

I still don’t understand.
But I don’t think I have to.
I just need to breathe in deeply the peace of God.
I need to continually lay down the thoughts and fears that grip me.
I need to watch and be aware of the glimpses of beauty God allows.
Semper Fidelis
Always Faithful

My son has earned the title of a United States Marine.