I’ve been procrastinating for three years.
A task I do not want to do.
A task no one ever wants to do.
A task that one shouldn’t have to do.
I have avoided Elijah’s room.
Pretend it doesn’t exist.
Closed the door to make it go away.
His smell is still there.
It’s heady.
It makes me weak in my knees.
Sick to my stomach.
His motorcycle helmet.
The socks he changed out of.
Still there.
The sheets he had on his bed.
But it’s time.
God said so.
He sent one of Elijah’s friends to ask if we had an extra room for him.
Since our guest room will be filled; the only room is Elijah’s.
And so God has given me a gift.
I want to refuse it with everything in me.
As if I could changed the events of July 28, 2013.
Willing it all to not be.
Wanting my boy back.
I ache with missing.
I ache with watching others grow.
Yet.
I long to see the others grow.
I delight in their stories.
This coming year they will all graduate from college.
Such exciting times.
I somehow feel left behind.
So.
I accept this young man’s request.
I offer the one room I have.
He is delighted.
He feels it an honor to stay in Elijah’s room.
I buy new sheets.
I still avoid the room.
Buying sheets is easy.
The step into the room;
agonizing.
But I will go.
I will step into this task with joy.
God will walk right beside me.
He will hold my hand.
He will hear the screams I will stifle as I pack away 17 years of a life lived.
He will hold me as I fall to my knees because I can’t stand anymore.
And that is where I need to be.
On my knees.
Surrendering.
This is God’s story.
I am only His vessel.
I want this story to be about Him.
About the work He does in my life.
In my heart.
Because I can’t do this alone.
I am heading to walk the 16 stairs to his room.
I continue to cry with you! No one can tell you how hard grief work is! The Lord stretches your heart as it breaks!
Thank you Jean. Yes. It is hard work. Grateful for a Savior who holds us.
Tammy, that is such a big step. It would never be time, except, you’re right, God says it is with the gift of just the right need, the right person, a friend who knows, one who is honored. Only God knows that other blessing this young man will bring to your family, and you to him. I pray for you always. No one else can grieve for you or walk your walk, but you know the most high walks beside you or carries you. Be blessed!!
Thank you Alicia. Longing to be faithful. You’re right. . . Never would be the right time. . . Thank you for your love and support. Thank you for reaching out. Hugs.
So sorry Tammy :'( I have no words, but thankfully God gives you beautiful ones. Tears. Thinking of you and praying, my friend.
You have strong religious beliefs and they will get you through, a loved one is never gone, they remain in your heart forever.
Tammy, my heart hurts for you as I’m sure the blisters on your heart are still there. Our God does give us strength, courage, comfort and a peace that passes understanding. I will hold you in my prayers and our awesome God will hold you even mord.
I work with Chelsea and saw this on Facebook. Your words are haunting, yet beautiful. We will never know in this life why such pain occurs, but God will reveal all in the next life, where you will be reunited with your beautiful son. Never forget that God loves you. I prayer your new house-mate will be a source of comfort for you.
Ann Marie Duguay
Thank you. God will reveal all in His time. For now we trust and do His will. Thank you again.
I admire your strength and will continue to pray for you and your entire family.
I grieve with you. But know that he will be with you always.
Tears run down my face and my heart aches for you! Even when God tells me to do things that hurt too much, I try and listen.. Not always succeeding?? I am on my knees in prayer for you this afternoon, praying for healing and peace. Love you
May His comfort and Presence be as real to you as Elijah’s is in that room.