I’ve been procrastinating for three years.
A task I do not want to do.
A task no one ever wants to do.
A task that one shouldn’t have to do.
I have avoided Elijah’s room.
Pretend it doesn’t exist.
Closed the door to make it go away.
His smell is still there.
It makes me weak in my knees.
Sick to my stomach.
His motorcycle helmet.
The socks he changed out of.
The sheets he had on his bed.
But it’s time.
God said so.
He sent one of Elijah’s friends to ask if we had an extra room for him.
Since our guest room will be filled; the only room is Elijah’s.
And so God has given me a gift.
I want to refuse it with everything in me.
As if I could changed the events of July 28, 2013.
Willing it all to not be.
Wanting my boy back.
I ache with missing.
I ache with watching others grow.
I long to see the others grow.
I delight in their stories.
This coming year they will all graduate from college.
Such exciting times.
I somehow feel left behind.
I accept this young man’s request.
I offer the one room I have.
He is delighted.
He feels it an honor to stay in Elijah’s room.
I buy new sheets.
I still avoid the room.
Buying sheets is easy.
The step into the room;
But I will go.
I will step into this task with joy.
God will walk right beside me.
He will hold my hand.
He will hear the screams I will stifle as I pack away 17 years of a life lived.
He will hold me as I fall to my knees because I can’t stand anymore.
And that is where I need to be.
On my knees.
This is God’s story.
I am only His vessel.
I want this story to be about Him.
About the work He does in my life.
In my heart.
Because I can’t do this alone.
I am heading to walk the 16 stairs to his room.