I stare at his picture.
I still can’t believe he is gone.
My first born, my flesh and blood.
to hear the sound of his voice; calling me mom.
I remember when he first called me mom.
Do any of us ever forget?
I had already lost a child that never called me mom.
So this was precious. Oh, so precious.
Those words came out. Words I had longed to hear.
So much wrapped in 3 letters.
How such a fun, handsome, smart,
well focused young man be called home so soon.
How can this be God’s best?
How does my heart cease to ache?
All the steps forward continue to take me further from the accident.
Further from all that I once knew.
Further from his presence here; from the joy filled days.
I am not saying there can’t be joy filled days now.
They will just be forever tainted.
We all feel it. Each time we gather for a picture. Or sit down to dinner.
There is someone missing. Each time I pass his room I long for him.
I long to sit on his bed and chat.
I long to remind him repeatedly to clean up his room.
To hear how his day went. Or what he is thinking or feeling.
There are still things I can’t bear to move in his room.
Clothes he had thrown down hours before he was killed.
His scores from his shooting match. A life interrupted by a Higher Calling.
A calling I still struggle with.
Yet if I am living a life surrendered to the King of Kings,
then this higher calling is the calling that really matters.
The focus of life; seeking that which is true.
Where the messy, dirty of this life collides with the holiness of a Sovereign God.
My feelings and emotions are unreliable.
I am tossed like the waves of the ocean.
There is only one piece of solid ground and that is the ground
paved with prayer and a surrendered life.
Heaven is our goal.
It should be sought with passion and fervency.
Instead, we dread or avoid conversations which deal with the eternal.
God calls us heavenward.
Our calling is to be with Him. That day will come.
We will all pass the way of the earth.
Are we living like that is our goal?
Or have we set up home where moth and rust destroy?
Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.
And where is our focus?Your Grace Still Amazes Me