5 months. Half the time I carried you. Long enough for your niece to be born, seasons to change, your father to have cancer and our hearts to break. Each step forward feels like an eternity; a conscious effort; an act of the will to live without a piece of you. The desire for the world to stop; because something is so dreadfully not right. 5 months. Almost half a year. It doesn't seem possible. Sometimes in this life we are called to hard steps. The journey rough and unforgiving. Finding sure footing is imperative. As we walk this ... View Post
Making Soup, Grief and Faithful God
I strive for normalcy. I cook the ground beef. I make soup. My farmer loves soup, and I don't make it enough. The smells permeate the air. The warmth eleveates the chill. Soup will be good today. I walk down cellar to put away some groceries. Out of the corner of my eye, I see his barn coat. I linger there. The familiar companion of grief awakes. I swallow hard. I reach in the pockets hoping to find something. Something to connect me to him. So many mornings in that coat. I groan, how can this be? I am so powerless to change it. Everything so final. Never again. Oh how I ... View Post
Farm Living Without Your Oldest Son
The night Elijah went home to be with the LORD. His bed remained empty. . . and for 10 weeks now that hasn't changed. 10 weeks of leaning against the door frame, breathing in his scent, wondering how this can be. . . How can my son really be gone? 10 weeks of hoping to wake from this nightmare. It was his morning to help with chores. Gary did them alone. There was no power, so he had to hook up the generator. . .by himself. But, that was the only day. For weeks now, friends and family have risen in the early hours to ... View Post
Maybe We Will Survive
The reality of our son not being here for the rest of our lives, is weighing heavy on my heart. The missing is overpowering at times. It takes my breath away. I feel as if my heart will break. And really, it has; into a million pieces. . . The pieces are being replaced day by day. Prayer by prayer. But it will never be the same. Deuteronomy 7:9 Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations, The equipment on ... View Post
To Bring Honor
I Corinthians 10:31 So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Today I placed a flag to honor you at your grave. There was evidence that others had been there. Others missing you, remembering, Being at the Harvest Market flooded my heart with memories. The Parade bittersweet. The rhythm of the cadence, the work of your hands. The quad. . .your love. I thought I saw you a few times. It was strange. My heart fluttered. Missing you is so hard. We head to the grave. I feel ... View Post
