Oh how we miss him. We all chafe under the memory. Each trying to sort through the grief and pain. As Gary gains strength and the visits to the hospital decrease we wrestle with our roles. Who are we? Where do we fit in this family. Elijah was larger than life. His personality demanding attention. He was loved. He was respected. He was our boy. The weight of the loss crushing. The life without him seems pale. Yet we are commanded to move forward. To step toward the work still left here for us to do. Yet those roles are smudged and we all feel it. I am glad ... View Post
Are You Overwhelmed By All The Christmas To Do’s? Why Don’t You Lay It All Down. . .Just For A Moment?
I sit on his bed. It's been 20 weeks since God called Elijah's name. I breathe in, hoping for a change in circumstances. Hoping to catch a scent. But there's nothing. He is not here and what remains is fading. It's been 20 weeks since I have seen his face or touched the child I bore down to bring life. Longer than he would have been gone to boot camp; and it's only the beginning of the "longer thans". Each time the girls remember something about him. I ask them to tell me more. Describe to me in detail what they saw or were feeling. I don't ... View Post
Treasuring Those Memories, When They Are All You Have Left
This is the first time I have been to my parents since Elijah met Jesus. This first time since we have needed to provide full time care for our father. Now it is time to go. Leaving is always hard. I miss home. Yet I will miss here. I have had so much fun with my dad. I always have. He has always, next to Jesus, been my hero. My farmer ranks right up there too. 2 Men who are so vastly different. Both have my heart. I wish dad would come with me to Vermont. But he won't. And really, it's not ... View Post
Happy First Anniversary Chelsea and Adam
A year ago, on a dreary day such as today. We created our own sunshine. Vows were exchanged and a new journey began. A beautiful little girl. Grew to love this man. And when he came to us to ask if he could have her hand in marriage. . . Her daddy said, "No, no, no." And then after a conversation and hugs. We both gave our blessing. Such a beautiful bride. So many dreams. Such a future before them. And even though you know she is arriving by tractor. . . When you hear the engine start, your heart, for a moment wishes she were young ... View Post
Making Cookies, And Trusting, One Step At A Time
These days are glorious. The color, the sun; all magnificent displays of God's handiwork. I still long to feel. . . I try. I sit on a rock overlooking the meadows. I close my eyes and feel the warmth of the sun. But my heart still aches and longs for what it can not have. I make cookies for the first time. The memories of Elijah come like a flood. The last day he was here; the day we had no idea would be his last. He had come home all excited from a shooting match. I had made cookies. He stood in the kitchen and ate one after another. . .dipping them ... View Post
