Oh, How He Loves Us. . . Day # 22 of Thankfulness

How can you be gone?

I look at your picture, I want to see you so badly.
I want to turn back time, change anything I can.
I yearn for this to not be.

I long to hear you call me mom.
I walk into your room.
I just stand there looking around.
I remember your crib and then your big boy bed.
I remember when Cedric needed to share the room and how angry you were.
I think back to the time Caleb gave you your first Lacrosse stick.

I want to hear how things are and chat. 

You’re my first born. 

My boy, my Lijy.
It’s just so not fair. 

My heart just can’t take it sometimes. 

How can this be?

The enormity of the missing; overpowering.

All the universe tilted for me.

Sometimes the ache feels like it will swallow me whole. 

I want to claw my way out of the skin I am in. 

The weight of all these trials seems too much. 

The LORD promises to walk with us through these trials.
Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.
 Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be 
with you wherever you go.”

He knows the comings and goings of our lives. 

All this, has been sifted through his hands.

It is in those hands I want to stay.
I want to know and feel the peace that comes from a life surrendered to the
One who called us into being.
I want to live a life that reflects the glory of His face;
regardless of the circumstances of this world.
We are fearfully and wonderfully made;
For a reason with a purpose.
And loved.
Oh, how we are loved.
This love given,  so we might live.
I look at the picture I took as the night gave way to the dawn, on the morning of Elijah’s home going.
I am still struck by the heart in the sky.

It is the mercy of the One who called Elijah home.
I don’t like this path.
I don’t want it this way.
Yet, I can’t deny that God is in every moment of this painful journey.
And I can’t deny that grace has accompanied us through.
And as I continue to wade through the cloud of grief, I swallow hard, I let the tears flow freely.
Much has been asked of me.
And much I will give.
I will stand strong on the promises.
And when I feel like I am going to fall and I can’t stand any longer I will rely on all those around us. As Aaron and Hur held the arms of their beloved Moses as the battle raged around them, so too will
 I lean on the strength of those around me.
 Because this journey is wearing me down.
And so I lay it all down.
And I lift my voice in Praise.

Day #22 of Thankfulness
The sweetest of prayer times with 3 saints in the faith
Another saint who came to clean my bathrooms and
I am sure she prayed over every corner of this house
Kisses and snuggles with the 4 week old precious gift
Holding my daughter while she holds her niece-
2 generations in my lap; priceless gift
unexpected dinner delivered to the back door
A gift for Chelsea and Lilah at the front door and a fun conversation about books
A new (to us) refrigerator at the barn for milk, I can hear everyone saying yay
Thank you Becky for loving on us
 being able to run to the  High School to drop off something for my son-he still needs me
An evening of study in the word
sleep