It's been 5 Sundays without you. There is not a moment that passes that I do not think of you or long to see you again. Yet time has continued on. School has begun.  Life seems to have resumed it's normal course. Yet there is nothing that feels normal for me.  There are moments when I literally fall to my knees and cry out to God. I cling to these verses: Proverbs 3:5 and 6  "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, lean NOT on your own understanding. . . Isaiah 41:10  So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed,  for I am your God. I will strengthen ... View Post

Psalm 30:11 You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, I am not there yet.  But it is a promise.  One that I believe with my whole heart. I want to see the beauty in the ashes.  Today I saw the hand of God in beautiful ways.  If you are not careful you are sure to miss the quiet ways God ministers. I saw a student walking yesterday with his head down. It looked so much like Elijah. . .it took my breath away. . .How I long for my boy.  I had a planned visit from a friend from my youth. The years ... View Post

A friend is coming to visit today.   The last time I saw her was Elijah's baby shower.  She came to celebrate life.  Somewhere I have a picture of her and another friend. The 3 of us grew up together.  Now miles apart.  But today she is coming.  She's never met Elijah. She comes now to honor that life.   From an early age Elijah had a strong sense of beat. He kept it steady.  He loved music.  Everything was an instrument. Plucking out the steady beat. Keeping the rhythm steady when others could not.  As he ... View Post

He will carry me, when my burden is too heavy. When I can not stand. . . He will. I woke with JJ Hellers song in my head today.  "When my world is shaking. . .heaven stands."  I have grace only for the moment.  2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you,  for my power is made perfect in weakness."  We purchased a van. We couldn't have done it without the tremendous support all around us.  It was hard.  I couldn't even go.  Clarissa went to support her daddy. These are the things that are ... View Post

The 28th.  We will mark time now with the date.  Not a day of the week.  Though Saturday evenings into the wee hours of Sunday  will forever be etched in my soul.  I wonder if I will ever worship on a Sunday morning without remembering my red haired boy?  Long to hear his drumming. . . Worship has new meaning in my life. It is a yearning, an aching, to be ever present with our LORD. Why do we mark time? Why this necessity to mark birthdays, anniversary's, events? What causes this?  God was in the business of marking time and events long ... View Post

This farm. Oh how I love it.  It has been a respite.  I love coming home. I never tire of the view of the mountain or the meadows. There is peace and beauty. Even amidst grief.  There is always much work to be done here. . .but somehow the beauty in this place makes all that ok.  I long for a healing balm, for the pain within.  Losing your son is like having a gaping hole. . .a festering sore. The burn deep within my soul aches continually. How does a mommy say good bye to her son until eternity? Even when all I know, and believe with all my heart that this ... View Post