She says it at the table where we are dining.
We have been given an overnight, away from chores, away from breakdowns and dead cows, away from the tyrany of the urgent.
I ask if everyone thinks Elijah would have liked this?
Cedric says, “Yeah”.
And that Ella says, yeah;
but we wouldn’t be here if he was.
It stops me short.
And I think of all the things we have done.
All the ways in which people have been holding us up.
If Elijah were here we wouldn’t be so desperately exhausted, overwhelmed and on the edge.
Our hearts wouldn’t feel like they were splintering into a million pieces every moment.
He wouldn’t have been here anyway.
He would have been at boot camp.
That reasoning is growing thin.
Because, he’s not here.
He’s not writing me letters.
He’s not planning a graduation in December.
No, he’s not here and he’s not coming back.
And we are facing radiation and chemo for Gary in December.
I look out the window of this gorgeous hotel room.
I see the nose of the mountain.
I am looking at the opposite side of what I see every morning,
The exact opposite.
And that is what our life seems like these days.
The exact opposite of what I know.
There is death and sadness, uncertainty.
It is overwhelming.
Anxiety threatens at every turn.
Decisions are hard to make.
I walk around in circles sometimes trying hard to focus.
And accomplish nothing at all.
As I look at this side of the mountain, with all the ski slopes and buildings I see a different perspective.
And I am reminded that God sees all this that we are going through from a different perspective.
His ways are higher than our ways.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher
than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
But someone knew we needed a retreat. A time to withdraw.
And it has been wonderful.
There has not been a care in the world.
All our physical needs have been met.
It has been a time to play together.
Watch endless amount of TV without mom yelling.
And sleep and rest for my farmer.
Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up,
left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.
Day #17 of Thankfulness
I am thankful for:
A time to withdraw with our family for quiet
The beauty God created around us
Abundant Grace lavished on us
God’s unfailing love
Snuggles when I think I can’t breathe anymore
A husband that misses his son and shares that with me
our earthly children and the lessons they are teaching us
A view of the mountain that has a different perspective
Calais VanHorn and her family
Folks at home loving the farm for us
My farmer still sleeping and resting
(He has a battle to fight)
Knowing that I am not out of God’s hands for one minute; he has this
I still wake up Sunday mornings with a pit in my stomach.
I woke today at 2:20, the moment I woke 15 weeks ago to my life changing forever.
I closed my eyes, sunk back down into the soft sheets and prayed with all my might.
I will not let fear enter this journey.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed,
for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Build your Kingdom here.
Come set our hearts ablaze with hope.