There is no warning.
There is nothing that prepares you for the waves that come.
The waves of ache and pain.
It’s beautiful out.
I long to feel the joy that such a day would bring.
The warmth and gentle breeze.
Clothes drying; billowing on the line.
A perfect day to bake and embrace this gorgeous creation in which God has us placed.
I drive to the cemetery.
I lay down on the sod that holds our son.
I look to the heavens.
The sky that is so blue today, it should bring me peace.
Instead my grief overwhelms me. . .
Oh God why?
Why my son?
But why not?
Why not him and more of my family?
I have said before that God will be with us when we face trials of many kinds. . .not if.
We are not guaranteed anything except God’s faithfulness to us through our life.
And the sod does not hold our son.
He is with the King of Kings,
the place we long to go.
And slowly my aching soul is filled.
I can feel the presence of the Holy Spirit as I quiet myself before God.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them,
for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Friends came over tonight.
We had Chinese for the first time since Elijah left us.
He loved Chinese food.
Especially the leftovers.
These are the things that are hard.
Lord, I know you are good.
I know you are with us in everything.
But my heart hurts.
This journey is so hard.
And with all that I am, I want to serve you.
And so once again, I lay down my life.
I give everything I am to you.
I will follow you until I breathe my last breath.
And I will sing praise to you no matter how my heart breaks.
I will shine the light, so that the whole world sees.
I will continue to press through this time.