Will this ever be easy? Will waiting for the children to come home ever feel safe again? I hold my breath. I feel tense. My spirit unsettled. Waiting. For the axe to drop. Anticipating the negative. Icy cold fear. It creeps in. Slowly. While you're not aware. It is there. Gripping. Choking. The dawn will come and it will be 23 months since my boy walked the face of this earth. 23 months since I have felt normal, It has been 23 months of putting one foot in front of the ... View Post
Grief Is Work And It Takes Time
Some days the breathing is hard. As if I take a breath and all will spill over. The breath that will split the scar. The ache that lies just beneath the surface. Day after day. The missing. The longing. One more word. One more hug. A future. Where would he be right now? How is he feeling? I want to be numb. I don't want to feel the pain. It sears and burns. This thought line is in vain. It leaves an emptiness that can never be filled. These desires unfulfilled; this side of ... View Post
I Said, “Yes” To Writing On The Walls
I said it sort of jokingly. I didn't think anything of it. We could write our gratitude on the wall. We are going to paint in here someday. (It hasn't been painted since 1989. . ."ain't nobody got time for that") The walls are filthy and stained with hand prints. Drawings from the kids and those infamous height marks. A legacy of Elijah on the wall. A tangible record of his exsistance here. A reminder. So, we clean up from physical nourishment and the Ancient Word. My farmer hesitates before he leaves. It is not until ... View Post
He Made Me Laugh
He made me laugh. That second born son. The one who shoulders the weight. The future. He made me laugh. He loves Christmas. Always has. Little sleep. So excited. A bundle of joy. Energy. Complying with my request, for a cup of coffee, before presents, on Christmas morning; he will have one waiting. . . long before it is time to be awake. Energy. Sheer joy. Over presents. Over a babe in a manger. Wonder. Contagious. And at 15 that joy is still there. I walk into the dining ... View Post
Remembering The Promise
The wind blows. It stirs me awake. I want to snuggle down and stay in bed. Some days I don't want to get up. This is one. I sigh under the weight of remembering. I fling my thoughts heavenward. I get coffee. This life is hard. The darkness hovers now; earlier. My favorite time of year. I want to see beauty yet marred by deep sadness. Plans are hard to make. So much clutters my mind. Time marching forward. Moving further and further from the accident. Further from my son. Yet ... View Post
It’s The Receiving That Is So Hard
He's here. A man who offered to pray for our family 1600 miles away. He has connections and mutual friends here in the area. He prayed. During those long months of chemo and radiation and dense fog. He prayed; for us. When I could barely put a foot in front of the other. He prayed. He sent encouraging e-mails. A stranger. Now friend. Brothers and sisters in Christ. He wanted to do something. Something for us. We didn't know what to say. And now he's here. How do you say anything when ... View Post
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