A kid jumps off a bridge. A woman commits suicide; a teacher, wife, mother. Another student in my hometown takes his life. And I can't make sense of this world. Why one who wanted to live is gone and these that don't want to live take their own life. It all swims around in my head and my heart feels like it wants to burst. I can't imagine what it must feel like to have no hope; to not want to live. Because even in my darkest moments, when the grief was overbearing and the pieces of my shattered heart were scattered everywhere as my son left this ... View Post
The Deep Down Work of Gratitude Day #3 of Thankfulness
It is a song played during communion. I recognize it right away. The memory swept out from the dark corner. I close my eyes and I am there. Listening to the praise video the kids listened to. Praying for their little souls. My heart constricts with the memories. The music continues on. "I lay all of my burdens down at your feet." Oh how I miss my son. "And anytime, I don't know, what to do. I will Cast all my cares Upon You." Years of praying for my children. A desire to see them grow. Bend their knee to the One who gave us life. I squeeze my eyes shut. To the ... View Post
We Danced The Dance Of Laughter
We danced the dance of laughter. A strange sound echoing. Snorts from the youngest of the bunch. Inability to sing grace. Holy laughter. It doesn't happen often. But when it does it captures everyone. Sweeps them into a sea of giggles. For a time lost in sheer convulsions. Holy laughter. It happened. I am so grateful. An evening with everyone home. An intentional effort made, to be together. Priceless. The deep journey of trying to live with something always not right. But isn't that the way it really ... View Post
Too Many Spoons
I put one back. 7 spoons. It's a habit. How do you "uncount"? How do you break a habit. They say it takes 30 days to create a habit. It's been 14 months. And setting 7 places at the table still seems natural. I set one spoon back in the drawer. I breath deep. I think of the habits I have established over the past 14 months. My time in the Word is deep. I search for meaning. Truth. Help for this weary heart. I want to know. That it counts for something. That the life given. Taken. Somehow has meaning. It's our search for ... View Post
Are You Living In This Very Moment?
This is not my home. No matter the beauty. This is not where we belong. My focus. has to change. Each morning. A shift. It's not about me. God's plan is better. The missing overwhelming. My son. I want him here. Why did God not stop the accident? Why did he not save him? Why was it fatal? I fold laundry. His clothes. Worn by others. I breathe deep. It would be so easy to give up. To just let the darkness consume. The pain. The ache. The work it takes. There is a hole; where he belongs. His ... View Post
Lessons Learned From The Pig Pen
Some days I just want to play all day. I want someone to feed me and take care of my basic needs. A little like the piggy, wiggies. When the sun shines, I will soak up the warmth with not a care in the world. When I am scared, I can crawl into a pig pile. I can feel the safety and security of those closest to me. Alas, I am not a pig. Though I dare say I live like one sometimes. My room is such a mess. But, I am not a pig. I do have responsibilities and burdens to carry; no matter how ... View Post
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