Things feel disjointed and out of sorts.
We are in need of hired help.
Farm chores take all day.
There is little time for rest for my farmer.
I am not as gentle as I should be.
I feel crabby a lot.
A really good friend went to see Jesus after a dance with cancer.
She was light and fun.
We raised kids together.
She loved Jesus.
She loved her family.
She loved Creation and all the wonders there in.
I ache for her family.
I ache because I miss her.
I ache because she knows what I don’t yet.
I ache because she’s with my Lijy and others that have gone on ahead.
Things feel disjointed because the farm boy talks of joining the Marines.
He’s been meeting with recruiting officers.
There are so many unknowns.
He’s been working toward the goal of owning his own business.
But he’s young and he longs for much of what he does not understand.
He sends me pictures.
And the disjointed and out of sorts feeling catches in the back of my throat.
The ache I have been feeling trickles down my cheeks.
This road can be so hard sometimes.
These pictures are of his brother.
His only brother, that he adored.
Pictures that were taken when there were new beginnings.
Graduation and a future.
And I miss that oldest farm boy.
With all my being.
I miss him.
And I can’t have him.
I can’t see him or touch him.
I can’t find out how he’s doing.
(though I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is , oh so good.)
It doesn’t change the fact that it hurts.
AND it stinks.
And now the farm boy wants to walk in his brothers footsteps.
He wants to join as a reserve.
So he’s been training and talking.
And then, sends me these photos.
It is so easy to step into the pit.
To feel the darkness close over; suffocating my being.
The injustice of a life taken at 17.
I cringe when the farm boy expresses his desires.
I want to shout, “NO”!
And freeze time.
I can’t find the pride that I felt when the Oldest farm boy made his choice.
I can’t find the anticipation that we felt as the departure date neared.
Gone are those feelings.
Instead there is dread.
Until. . .
A thought creeps in. . .
“Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
We serve a God who reminds us to be still.
To remember He is God.
He will strengthen us.
He will never leave us.
You see, even when I feel disjointed and out of sorts;
He is working a plan.
A plan that I can not see.
I need reminders of this daily.
For I am short sighted.
I too often get distracted and focus on myself and my limited ability to see.
When we look forward and step out into the path He longs for us to follow,
those feelings of dread, fear and anxiety disappear.
Instead we find peace.
Sweet moments of pure confidence in a loving Savior.
With my whole heart I want to seek the face of Jesus. I want to be more like him in all that I do.
I long to rise with the morning sun and rest in his unending love.
Through these trials I am learning to lean.
I am learning to walk side by side with my Savior who goes before me.
Even when I feel disjointed, out of sorts and crabby.
He can still do a work in me.