I lay on his bed. The smell of him still there. How long? How long until it evaporates, until I can’t distinguish him. The sobs come. Here I am free to pour out all the tears. Why Elijah? Oh how many tears I have shed these 7 weeks. How I long to make sense of this loss. How I yearn to turn back time. I have to be so careful not to be drawn into the abyss of the what if’s.
I fight with all I have to stay in the “what I know’s”. Do you ever feel that? Someone sent me this verse. It is one that brings such comfort.
Oh how I love God’s word. How wonderful it is to hide it in our hearts. To be comforted and strengthened. To know that he will quiet my sobs, he will rejoice over me with singing. There is nothing in me that wants to journey on. I have lost a child, a piece of me. I will never be the same.
Yet the pull of the “what I know’s” inches me forward. I don’t want to be the same. I see the world differently. Every situation changed. I want to feel more. I want to embrace more. I want to share this undying love God has for all. I shudder to think of those who walk this journey of pain without a Savior.